The Vain Vampire

-

Vampire















I really loathe my pointy teeth,
They stick out when I smile,
Thank god I can’t be photographed,
My selfies would be vile.

My skin’s a deathly shade of pale,
My breath would kill a cat,
There’s woodlice living in my cape,
My trousers smell of rat.

My nails are sharp like razors,
My eyes are bloodshot red,
I once was drop-dead gorgeous,
Now women just drop dead.

My jet-black hair is streaked with grey,
My six pack’s disappeared,
The zombies laugh when I walk past,
The werewolves think I’m weird.

So please send your donations,
Support this poor dead freak,
Ten pounds will buy me makeup,
(I only wear Clinique).


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Ravenmaster

-
Image
  As a child, the steely gaze of the raven always fascinated Mark Taylor. Heading home on warm summer evenings, he’d often stumble upon the shredded remains of a raven’s supper, strewn across the path like grisly confetti. With morbid fascination, he’d crouch down and inspect the tiny beaks and tails and claws while the birds serenaded him from the treetops. As a man, Mark’s passion for ornithology and his exemplary war record formed the necessary stepping stones to the Tower of London. On his 50 th  birthday, he proudly accepted the role of Ravenmaster, servant to the Queen and guardian of eight extraordinary birds. It is said that if the ravens ever leave the Tower, the British monarchy will fall. However, Mark remained sceptical of this and all other superstitions. Perhaps this was why he ignored the protests of his colleagues and named his newest raven Margaret, after Lady Margaret Pole. This poor old lady joined a long line of unfortunates who died in agony during th...
Read more

Ghosthunters Anonymous! now available

-
Image
I'm delighted to announce that Ghosthunters Anonymous!, my first Young Adult novel, has been released. ISBN 978-1-916776-84-5, published by Fisher King Publishing . Available from all good bookstores and online in print and digital versions from Amazon.co.uk here and on Amazon stores worldwide.  Here is a synopsis of the story... When thirteen-year-old Grace is killed in a freak road accident, she expects an ambulance, a hospital bed, maybe even a miraculous recovery. Instead, she wakes up outside her body—alive, but dead—trapped as a ghost in a world that suddenly doesn’t see or hear her. Struggling to comprehend her new reality, Grace stumbles into the hospital mortuary where she meets Mr. Gordon, a cantankerous old ghost who offers her survival tips: how to walk through walls, perch on chairs without falling through, and even move objects with her mind. But Gordon insists she should stop clinging to her old life and cross into the light. Grace refuses. Her little brother Riley ...
Read more

Something worse

-
Image
  Dr Nielson handed me a plastic bag. “Hey Deano, throw these masks in the incinerator; we can’t use them. The box is damaged.”  I’d worked at the laboratory long enough to know to never engage in conversation with a scientist, especially one as shifty as Dr Nielson, so I just said OK and put them in my sack. I trekked down to the basement and took the box out of the plastic bag to inspect it. Since the surge in cases, decent masks were like gold dust. It seemed criminal to waste them if I could salvage any. I punched through the perforations and opened the top of the box. The stain on the lid looked like water damage; it was a little squashed on one side, but otherwise fine. The masks inside remained sealed in their cellophane wrappers. No problemo. After I torched the rest of the rubbish, I took the box back upstairs and slipped it into my bag. Security rarely carried out searches these days. You could forget staff protocol; the scientists were too busy finding cures for t...
Read more